Matthew Knott

The 15th anniversary of Kurt Cobains death approaches, I can't believe it's been so long, and I've been reflecting on the emotions that have come and gone since he died.

Kurt was 27, the same age as me, when he died. That makes it more poigniant, as I feel a certain connection now, like the moon being in a certain spot once a millenia, well this is like that for me. I've lived as long as he has, experienced that same amount of time.

For so long after his death, I was angry and blamed Courtney Love for having him killed. There were a lot of conspiracies, well documented and well structured that convinced me this was the case. To be honest I don't discount it to this day, but I do understand that I fell into a group that are prayed on by people who will exploit grief for financial gain. I still can't bring myself to call it suicide, the facts don't add up.

I wonder, however, if he hadn't died that day, how long he would have lasted? He was self destructive, suffering from a mystery stomach pain that drove him to insanity and back, and was regularly abusing drugs and alcohol. However, he also had things to live for, his daughter, Francis Bean Cobain, was clearly a huge influence on his life. I can't really cite his lovely (tongue firmly in cheek) wife. Sources close to Cobain before his death explained that he was planning to split from Courtney, hence the conspiracy theories start.

Who know's what music may have come in those following years. I'm certain Nirvana didn't have too much life left after in utero came out. With Kurts state of mind and body, the band probably wouldn't have lasted a couple more albums. With the contrast of music Dave Grohl produced with the foo fighters, there had clearly beed some creative genius waiting to come out that would've taken him to centre stage and out of the gloom behind Nirvanas drums.

Ultimately though, it's been 15 yeas, and I'm getting over it, but the music is just as powerful today, and just as relevant, and I still think all the time, what might have happened if he was still here, maybe it's best he didn't live on to dwindle into utter dispair and destruction. God bless you Kurt.