Matthew Knott

I spend so much time quizzing myself over thing I don't do it's unreal, and possibly a little crazy. Some times I feel like a gimped entrepreneur, I have all the aspiration, the bright ideas, but someone thought it would be funny to hold back on the drive and the self belief.

Today, I'm battling with self doubt and find myself burdened with regret over a wasted weekend where I completed 0 of countless things I had to do.

There was work I wanted to do, but it seems that VPN access only works weekdays, really useful when you've got things you really have to finish by Monday. I've got paperwork to sort, phone calls to make, but through a series of unforeseen events 2 days are more or less wasted. I don't really want to turn this into an almighty whinge, but it's definitely headed that way and there is no one behind the wheel of this particular runaway train, not even Jon Voight is around. 

I find it so easy to identify things I do badly, things I hate about myself but always seem to come up short when it comes to sorting things out or making changes. Some things I don't know how to change. For example, this weekend I've realised that so much more of my personality and my characteristics are determined by my fear of what people think of me than I had initially thought. It's almost fair to say I'm consumed on a number of levels by what people think of me, specifically a fear of not being liked. I think it's because I think if someone doesn't like me then they're  a threat, physically. It's strange but this is how I'm coming to understand myself. This isn't the whole reason for the fear as a number of unfortunate things have happened to me in my life, creating a strata of psychosis.

I also think this is the reason that I've always hated charging people for work, because what if I say too much, even If that's what I feel it's worth and is still less than others charge, what will they think of me? Oh to be free of these daemons. 

So this is how my weekend unfolded. 

Saturday

Trip to Swansea #1, taking Lisa to work. Dropped her off and Michael and I set off for a bit of breakfast and a bit of shopping. We got to Tesco, have a lovely breakfast together. These times with family are the bits I could never suggest were wasted moments by the way. After brekkie, we set out round the store, I load up with a couple of new books for Michael and then notice his backside is a bit damp. So paid for shopping, back to the car, got changing bits and bobs, and back into Tesco to visit changing room. As I got inside, Michael was terrified of something and started balling his little heart out. It was strange, I was annoyed he was scared for no reason, but knew that he was still scared an I felt so sorry for him.

Anyway, we soldiered on, got him changed and left so he could calm down. Heading home, made it to Pont Abraham roundabout and experienced near miss #1. Guy towing a caravan who couldn't see through the car to his right decided it must be clear, and pulled out in front of me, not going very fast, except I was coming towards him accelerating into the exit. Slammed on, sounded horn, had panic attack for the rest of the journey home.

After getting back to the in-laws with Michael, we had a nice time reading and playing, and then I came back home at 1 for him to fall asleep in the car which he kindly did. After putting him to bed I discovered that indeed the VPN did not work on the weekend, and proceeded to bum around for 2 hours, not really doing anything worthwhile. 

Trip to swansea #2 for today came when I had to pick Lisa up, I left at 3 cramming a still fast-asleep michael into the car and heading off down the motorway again. Pont Abraham roundabout comes up and with it near miss #2 in the form of crazy Corsa driving old man who decides to try to run me off the roundabout by driving into me. More heavy breaking and horn tooting followed by palpitations.

After picking lisa up, in a great mood we headed back to Tesco to finish off the shopping, heading down to the parent and toddler bit, I find no spaces see someone leaving and as I'm reversing to go into it, some prick who's been watching me for 4 minutes goes straight into the space. I exploded. Screamed thanks a bunch at him and shot off to find another space. That was a turning point in my weekend , that one explosion. I can't explain it, I think it was a culmination of everything else that had happened that day with the near misses. I've not felt the same since then, and only as I write about the weekend do I feel calm returning to my weary shoulders.

After getting home, I knew I didn't get much sleep the night before so went for a nap, went down at five woke up at nine thirty! Now the rest had done me good but I was freaking out because no-one had woken me, I know I'm hard to please. I awake to find Lisa had pulled a muscle in her stomach and was in some pain. She was worried about the baby, so was I, then she mentions bleeding and I get scared. She phones the midwife who advises us to go to hospital. I hated myself because I was thinking, it's probably just a strain, have a bath, but didn't have the balls to say it. We go to hospital, trip to Swansea #3. By now my knees are in agony, it's 10 o'clock at night, and Lisas car is really unkind on my knees. We get there, of course the midwife hadn't phoned, why would she? after all the inspecting and poking we're sent on our way with painkillers and lisa upset because they didn't do a heartbeat scan. I was screaming inside but said clamly that when they asked her if she'd felt the baby moving she said YES! so why would they. We eventually got home at midnight and went straight to bed. Thus ended Saturday.

Sunday

The best way to describe Sunday is in weather speak. Torrential down pours of lethargy, with brief periods of happiness.

I'm now eating cheese in the hope that some crazy dreams will come whisk me away.